What would happen if you put yourself first..

I have a little story to share.. so last year May, in the midst of utter craziness in my life - both at home and work.. I decided to go away, by myself.. in about 4 days I had arranged for a one man trip to Bali, this would be my #solocation.. I hadn't asked my husband, my best friend, my sister if they wanted to come, all I knew is, I needed to be by myself for a little.. to tend to me.. to wake up and ask myself what I want to eat for breakfast.. move and breath and be as I wished with no pressure/expectation/consideration for anyone else but me..

The trip was 15 days long - part of the plan for this trip was to be lighter.. so I travelled with only a backpack and that was it..

The backpack that had my clothes for 15 days  :)

Half of it spent in Bali, and the other half at the Gili Islands, Gili Trawangan to be specific.. what a piece of heaven!

The amount of healing I did in this time was incredible.. I came back so new.. and so fresh.. the magic was in the basic things.. being in a country I'd never been to before.. knew no one.. worked only off wifi areas.. I could control when I received calls.. I controlled every single part of my life.. in turn, I got all my power back.. so recharged!

There are no words to explain how magical and healing this trip was.. between bettering my surfing over the most beautiful waves, snorkeling.. climbing volcanic mountains and exploring the city and island on foot (and bicycle).. I remembered what it felt like to be in awe.. to make new friends without being afraid.. and understanding the desperation that can come when you need to communicate in a -not first language speaking country- and how all of a sudden, a British accent behind you becomes your release.. followed by a bicycle ride and hysterical laughter as you hurl your heart out to this gorgeous human who accepted you without questions.. maybe thats just the Gilis.. it was beautiful.. and of course, the friends who have become so dear from that magical trip..

..So today, I found myself longing for the feeling of putting me first.. that ultimate feeling of worshipping at my temple daily.. with my physical, being the most beautiful manifestation of God.. just that..


So I've never had a problem with putting myself first.. until there was someone else that I needed to love, take care of, give consideration for and all those loving things..which is good.. but is a problem..

A problem because you eventually forget the importance of putting you first.. how to be you and what it means to choose you, in all situations because everyone else's feelings are before yours.. instead, we become X's wife, X's Mom, X's sister, X the (input occupation).., and in time we don't know how to answer 'how are you' without referencing the above..

I haven't felt the need to write about it.. until today, when I was talking to someone and painstakingly - guilt like you won't believe.. I uttered the unexpected, 'what would happen if I put myself first, protected me first, chose to be my own security vs looking to the world.. what then' .. there was silence on the line.. and I knew, not that my words weren't welcome or ill received.. they just weren't expected.. because so often we place everyone else ahead of ourselves.. we take all manner of abuse be it for the sake of peace.. preserving feelings.. you name it..

Today,  I chose me.. I chose to actively choose me.. I have no problem with being called selfish because if I'm self fulfilled I can be so much more not only to self but to those that surround me.. I become the physical manifestation of happiness.. joy.. strength.. peace.. love.. and lose the fear of not fitting in.. I become my best self.. and in being all that God is, I can be a shield, a pillar, a safe haven for all those I love and who love me.. and of course, the souls that choose to fly halfway across the world.. to a place unknown to embrace the unknown in order to remember what it feels like to live without fear..

.. I hope you find the freedom to choose you..*

Love Xx


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